


Lost Constellation

by LindirsArchives



Series: Night In The Woods [2]
Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Night In the Woods, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mother-Son Relationship, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29157990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindirsArchives/pseuds/LindirsArchives
Summary: When Holden was a child, his goal was clear but his path was not
Series: Night In The Woods [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103474
Kudos: 8





	Lost Constellation

**Author's Note:**

> This one I wrote at 3 am while half asleep and downing my 3rd bucket of ice cream lmao

When Holden was a child, his goal was clear but his path was not

His mother praised him for his sharp focus towards his end goal and supported him towards it. He never knew why because as far as he's concerned, he's not aware of it. He didn't understand why and how his mother had put so much trust in him but he appreciated it nonetheless. The road he took cost him much of his mental stability, but he could always rely on his mother to pull him back towards the right track, to guide him towards the light when everything's dark

His entire life, he's been floating in space with no clear direction on where to go. His mother shone as the brightest star to lead him towards his end goal. So whenever he felt like he could just hit the ditch and run, his mother would be there, slowly reassuring him back to the open road

And right then and there, he needed his mother to pull him back to reality once again

Bill would be so pissed if he found out about his plan, but then again, Bill's too busy sorting out his problems anyway so there may be a chance he won't notice. And besides, he needed this. No one knew about his condition and no one bothered to try to understand, they thought it would hinder their project anyway, hell he's pretty sure he would also be too annoyed at himself had he been in the others' shoes

He didn't care anymore. If Ted wanted to fire him for this then so be it. He just needed this so badly

He left a simple note on his desk the night before his departure back to New York-

_'I'm going to New York for personal matters, I'll be back in 3 days. If by any chance I'm fired, then every responsibility falls into my hands and I'll come by the office to receive them all and bid the project a final farewell'_

The entire flight, his thoughts were jumbled. From the Atlanta case, the fact it was dropped almost immediately, Bill's and the others' hatred on him, everyone's expectations, his mother, his pills, his therapist, everything was all over the place. He let his mind play around, be the mess it was while he stared out into the darkness outside of the plane window. As cheesy as it sounded, he preferred the dark more than daylight, in fact, he accepted it with open arms like an old friend. In the dark, his shadow shines twice as bright, his mistakes no longer visible to the naked eyes, his problems washed away as if they never existed, it was dark, and it was peaceful, he let himself take comfort in that

The very same night, at exactly 10 pm, he arrived in Brooklyn, his first home. With purpose, he knocked on the door in one of the houses in the suburb. The neighborhood was not asleep yet and from what he remembered, his mother had never been an early sleeper. It took awhile, some of the neighbors saw him, disheveled suit and all, some might even recognized him as he heard calls of familiar voices of alot of the elderly people around, friends of his mother he recalled. Some called to him, but all he did was smiled and waved at their way, the automatic response at this point

After a few minutes, the door responded with a familiar voice in the distance and a sloe tapping of toes

"Coming!" When the door swung open, Holden could feel his breathing caught in his throat as he locked eyes with his mother, a few inches shorter than him, all gray hairs and blue eyes looking straight into him. His mother's expression went from surprised to worry in seconds as her eyebrows furrowed with concern, her wrinkles becoming more pronounced

"Holden? Is that really you?" His breathing hitched just by the sound of her voice and he could feel tears beginning to well up

"Hey mom" He caught the sight of her glossy eyes as she pushed him inside of the house

"What are you doing here? Why didn't you call? When did you get here? I could've picked you up!" Already bombarded with questions, and he understood why, he just didn't know how to tell his mother that he came just to weep pathetically at how broken his entire life turned out to be

"It's a long story..."

"Well, if it is then you should at least clean up first. Oh! Have you eaten? I still have some leftover pasta I could reheat" Only a minute into the house and he could feel the warmth and comfort bubbling inside of him again, just by the way his mother forced his clothing off of him and checked his temperature with the back of her hands, checking if he were showing signs of illness. He loved his mother, as his mother was the only one left in this world he could count on to trust him and never hate him even with all the fuck ups he'd done

_Maybe you do deserve to be resented for your ego_

_You put everyrhing on the line and for what?! The crowd? The praise? You disgust me_

_Die in a ditch like the miserable pathetic roach you are_

_Pathetic_

_Fail_

_Failed_

_Failure_

_FAILURE!_

_FAILURE!_

_FAILURE!_

He could feel his chest tightening at the sound of the voice, his breath wheezed, which seemed to notify his mother

"Holden! What's wrong?" He tried to gasp an answer, but his lungs felt as if they were constricted, his thoughts, his vision started to blur as his ears began to ring uncomfortably. His vision was starting to blur, every colours swimming in front of his eyes, he recognized nothing, apart from her mother's blue eyes as she avoided contact yet stayed in his line of vision

His mother had always said that he has her eyes, but he didn't believe it. His blue were cold, calculated, unfeeling, loneliness and destruction shone brighter in his eyes with intentions of manipulation, while his mother's were bright, lively, and calming, like a calm wave during a summer day when he was learning how to swim

His mother's words whispered in his ears, her voice soft and soothing, and he could feel his breathing coming back to him

_"It's going to be okay. You're safe. I'm not going anywhere"_

"B-bag..." He managed to wheeze out with enough breathing space and his mother seemed to understand, didn't even ask a single question while taking the bottled Valium and handing it to her wheezing son on the floor

Her 29 years old son who's whimpering pathetically just because he couldn't keep his head straight for 5 fucking minutes. Bill was right, he _was_ pathetic

A pill and two, Holden felt himself starting to calm, the pills taking their effects as he could feel his vision coming back, his lungs no longer feeling as if they're squeezed like lemons. Holden let out a final exasperated sigh as he lay on the floor, pathetic and hopeless. He looked to his mother who had opted to stroke his hand as he felt himself coming back

"Holden?" His dazed mind caught her soft voice calling him and he felt a weight thousand pounds heavier than anything he's ever felt in his life as he heard the guilt in her voice

_Great. I made her miserable again_

"Hmm?" He subconciously responded, pretending for a minute this was just like the few nights he spent on bed when he was a teenager when he saw those shapes. He liked pretending and he's good at it anyway

"Why are you really here?" _Why was he really there?_ Was it all just his subconscious mind telling him where to go? Or was it because he was too afraid to admit to his mother that he fucked up big time and it's all his fault

He was aware of the plan of taking the plane there so he figured it's the latter

"I don't know"

"Holden. Don't lie to me" Usually when faced with that statement, he could simply manifest lies through his teeth. It fooled Bill, it almost fooled Wendy, and it certainly fooled Gregg. He's a hostage negotiator before everything else goddammit, he could and would slither his way through everything with slick lies and manipulation, that's just how he lives; manipulation and getting the upper hand in the fields

But never, in all of his life, could he ever lie to his mother

Something about her posture, her familiar loving face, her loving hands, her soothing voice and her calm eyes made every lie he ever thought of just pinned down on the ground and could never leave his mouth. Even if one did manage to leave, his mother would always be able to spot it, which was amazing considering the years of academy training he went through, all wasted in the eyes and ears of Old Lady Ford. So he sighed, not even bothered to lie about his conditions

"It's getting worse" His mother was stunned to her place, knowing where it was going but dreading it nonetheless

"What is 'it'?" He knew she knew about his condition, she was the first one to see it head on and help him with it, he just thought she was in brief denial, not wanting to see her beloved son fall into the same trap as the one he did back in high school

"The shapes, the voices, the attacks, everything! Everyday I wake up just to hear those voices taunting me, saying I'm just a selfish idiot, a reject I go to work and everyone were shapes. Pedestrians, hell, my coworkers were shapes too!" He could feel the tears finally flowing uncontrollably down his cheeks as he tried to regain a sense of stable breathing. Instead of the suffocating breathing of a panic attack, his wheezing were mostly from the choking of sobs, trying to maintain any level of self control

"E-Everyone kept screaming at how everything is my fault! How I'm just ruining everything. I know everything is, but I just can't! Every night, I have to drink these pills, sometimes even cough medicine just to be able to sleep!" He could feel the warm embrace of his mother as she enveloped him in a tight hug which somehow made his sobs a bit more bearable, his breathing no longer in the form of wheezing, and his voice no longer sounding as desperate. It was just, warm. Comforting. It always was and it always would be

"So that's why I came. I came because I- I need my control back. I- I need to feel that not everything's dying or leaving me. I can't take it anymore. I want to go back to the right path. I can't live like this! I can't slice my arm open everytime I see them! Or choke on cough medicine just to feel calm! I-"

"Shh. It's okay, Holly. You're safe"

_Safe._

Safety wasn't exactly something he had the luxury of enjoying ever since he took up his line of job with having to face murderers of all shapes and sizes almost on a daily basis. But for the first time in years, he remembered the feeling of safety

"I don't know what you've been through but I know for a fact it broke you. I'm here. I'll always be here. And I'll do anything if it means you'll be safe and healthy" Her soothing words brought newfound comfort to him. Long forgotten comfort that he's lost the moment he stepped into a hostage negotiation case and witnessed a man killing himself with the sense that there's no way out, no way to save himself, no purpose and no way in general. Just nothing. Who would want to live in nothing?

"My smart, strong, and brave little Holly. You've been through so much in these past few years. I'm sorry you had to go through them" Holden felt himself falling to sleep, his eyes feeling heavier from the unknown exhaustion he'd been feeling.

"I'll be here when you wake up. I'll always be here. My sweet little boy, I'll never abandon you. And I'll always help you whenever you're in need of guidance"

For the first time in months, Holden slept without needing to down half a bottle of cough medicine, and he had never slept better as he settled on the couch, his mother covering him with blankets and quietly slipping pillows under him. For the first time since years he felt that perhaps he could let his shoulders loose for a few seconds without the anticipation of another string of curses towards him for all the failures and disappointment he's brought

That night, for the first time in years, he's just Holden. No longer was he Special Agent Ford at that moment. He's just Holden Ford, a broken man in need of reassurance, kindness, emotional and (mostly) mental help and something to grip him back to reality

In the warmth of the blanket and the low breeze of Brooklyn, New York. Holden felt himself calm and asleep, his mind gearing ready to face tomorrow but this time, reassured that the most important person in hisife was there, ready to pull him back into reality and slowly but surely set him up to the right path

That night, Holden slept, no longer kept awake at night by the thought of disappointment and failure

He's just floating in space at the moment, trying his best to find the star at the end of his journey

**Author's Note:**

> \- My friend suggested that I put Holly as Holden's childhood name. She thought it would be very wholesome for his mom to just call him Holly  
> \- Also I have no fucking idea how age works in Mindhunter cause Brian grew up but Holden's been 29 for 2 seasons wtf lmao
> 
> Please leave a comment~


End file.
